Everyday Judaism · Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe

00:03 - Intro (Announcement)
You're listening to Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe of Torch in Houston, Texas. This is the Everyday Judaism Podcast.

00:12 - Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe (Host)
Alright, welcome back everybody to the Everyday Judaism Podcast. It is so wonderful to be here this beautiful Sunday morning. Today we're going to begin. We're going to do a little bit of catch-up on the first book of the Kitza, Shulchan Aruch that we concluded, but we missed one siman, one chapter of Halacha, which was chapter 26,. Siman 26, which is the laws of the mourner's Kaddish, and today we're going to try. We may be able to finish it today. We may need another episode, so today we're going to begin.

00:44
Okay, serving as chazan and reciting Kaddish are two of the actions that a mourner can perform to serve as a merit for deceased parents. Ideally, only one person should recite each Kaddish so that the words should be heard clearly. In addition, obviously only one person at a time can serve as Chazan for any given prayer. However, often there are multiple mourners who wish to recite Kaddish or act as Chazan. This simon details the laws of Kaddish and serving as Chazan and explains the order of precedence that applies when there are multiple mourners present in the synagogue. So there's always something we need to know that applies when there are multiple mourners present in the synagogue. So there's always something we need to know the halakh is going to tell us about this. There's a great merit that comes to a person after they pass away, when someone recites Kaddish for them, which, as we know, the children recite Kaddish. If they don't have children, someone in the community recites Kaddish for someone who passes away. It's very, very important, Additionally leading the prayer service Now, if the congregation is going to have so many people reciting Kaddish, as there is. You'll see many, many times in congregations where there's so many different people, nobody knows which one because they're not saying it exactly together. So you can have one on this side of the synagogue, one on that side of the synagogue and this one they're saying Amen for and this one is not yet at the Amen, and it becomes a little bit chaotic. So what many congregations do is that all the mourners get together at the bima and then they recite it together, so that way there's no confusion. Everyone is reciting it in unison and everyone is responding to the prayer as well, to the Kaddish as well.

02:34
What is Kaddish? We'll talk about what Kaddish is first, and that is Kaddish is declaring that Hashem is God, creator of heaven and earth, that Hashem is the master of the universe. We're declaring that Hashem is the power that controls the entire world. So what we need to understand is that in our lifetime, that's really what we need to accomplish is come to a realization that Hashem is master of the universe.

03:04
Sometimes people forget that while they're alive, and when someone passes away, suddenly it's an awakening moment that, oh my, we're here for a purpose. We're not going to live forever, Even though we're convinced that we are. We sometimes get these reminders that we're not going to be here forever. Now there's another thing. You know, the Talmud says a very interesting thing.

03:26
The Talmud says it's better to go to a house of a mourner than to go to a house of a wedding, to a wedding celebration. Why? Because what typically happens at a house of a wedding to a celebration of a wedding? People get drunk, People do silly things, People, you know, let loose. What happens at a house of a mourner? People do silly things, people are let loose. What happens at a house of a mourner? People start reflecting, people start thinking about taking responsibility for their lives, for their actions. What's gonna be when I die? What are people gonna say about me after I pass away? And maybe I should change the course of my life. So it's a moment of clarity that someone has At a wedding. It's not easy to get that clarity. It's more of like people just let loose and dance and sing and sometimes have a little bit too much to drink right, and forget about the purpose of life. One it brings you, grounds you, and one is a little bit different. So therefore, the Talmud says it's always better to go to a house of a mourner than to go to a house of a wedding celebration. Why? Because at the house of the wedding celebration it may not result in the outcome that you want. Sometimes it can be a regretful behavior. Okay, so now the halacha begins. Se'if Aleph, the first segment. Here.

04:56
It says there are many stories found in the Midrash Ki al yidei, shehaben omer Kaddish b'shvil ovev imo, when the Midrash relates that through the son's recitation of Kaddish for his deceased father, the parents are saved from harsh judgment. It is therefore the custom that children recite Kaddish for their deceased parents. V'chein L'alos, l'maftir, also to ascend to the maftir, to the final aliyah v'lespanu lefnei ateva, and to serve as the chazen v'befrat b'motzei shabbosos, and especially for the service, the mariv service, which is at the conclusion of Shabbos, Shehu azman, since that is the time when the souls potentially return to Gehenna for another week of correction. Similarly, at every evening service, he should serve as the chazan, Since then, at night, the attribute of judgment intensifies and there is a greater need for the merit of Kadesh. Kadesh is a very, very powerful merit for the soul that has passed on. With regard to the reciting of Kadesh, there are different rules Based on the different, various customs that exist.

06:26
Okay, so halacha, number two B'socha shiva. What's shiva? Shiva is the seven days that follow the passing of one's death. Someone passes away Seven days. The mourners observe the laws of shiva. Shiva means seven, but it's also the Shiva of seven days of where they sit on the floor, they don't wear shoes and it's not a time for celebration at all.

06:54
Right, Bein shuhu katanogad, whether the mourner is a minor or an adult. Bein toshav, bein oreach, whether he's a resident or a guest, meaning even if they're not from a specific city, but that's where they are they find out that now their father or mother passed away. Like my grandfather, my grandfather was in Sweden and he found out that his mother had passed away. He wasn't flying back to Germany where his mother had passed away, because they were middle of World War II, so he observed the Shiva in Sweden, where he was, and those who are in the seven days of mourning.

07:31
In the Shiva, they displace all other mourners. So there's three different stages of mourning, Actually four. There's the seven days, there's the 30 days and there's the first year. And then there's the annual Yartzeit, which is the annual day of the passing of their relative. So they take precedence Someone who's in the seven goes ahead of someone who's in the 30, before someone who's in the year and before someone who has an annual commemoration of a Yartzei. It displaces all other mourners, Even if a festival occurs during the days of the mourning, because in such a case, where the holiday occurs during the seven days, so that the laws of mourning are canceled V'chein I'll explain this in a second V'chein la'achar Sheva she Mevato Gzeros Shloshim or if the festival occurs after the seven days of mourning and cancels the laws of the 30 days of mourning, Le'inyen Kadesh Einu Me cancels the laws of the 30 days of mourning.

08:47
Regarding the laws of Kaddish the laws of Kaddish are not canceled, Meaning the laws of the mourning are canceled, but not the laws of the Kaddish. Similarly, in regard to the Kaddish, we do not say similarly in regard to the Kaddish, we do not say. We don't say that part of the day is like the full day, which in the laws of Shiva we do. In the laws of Shiva we say the seventh day is really, really, the observance of Shiva is six days plus a little bit, Because a little bit of the day is like the whole day. So what they do is they'll observe the Shiva on the seventh day, just they'll dive in the morning service, the morning the Shachras, and then observe a little bit of the Shiva, and then the rest of the day is considered as if they sat the full day, seventh day of Shiva. And even during the Mincha service of the seventh day, when it is considered as though the seventh day of mourning has already been concluded, he is entitled to recite every Kaddish as if he's still in the seven days. These seven and 30 day periods are counted from the dayom akfur, from the day of the burial. It's very important, Okay. So it's interesting.

10:10
I went to a mourner's to a shiva during the summer and it was interesting that some of the siblings were sitting till a certain day and some of the siblings were sitting an extra day or two. What's going on? When does it begin? Well, some of them stayed in New York and some of them went with the deceased to Israel. He was buried in Israel, so those who stayed in New York, they began their shiva from the funeral. Those who went with the casket to Israel started their shiva from when the burial took place in Israel, so they weren't keeping the same days of the shiva.

11:04
I don't want it to be confusing, but the idea is that, in general, it begins from, not when the person passed away, it begins from burial passed away. It begins from burial v'afo pishah ovel lo shama miyad. And even if the mourner did not hear immediately about the death, v'nohe gachakach shiva yimei evel and is therefore conducting a belated seven-day mourning period, m'komakom le'inin kaddish. Nevertheless, with regard to kaddish, ein lo din shiva, it is not considered that he is within the seven-day period. B'chein im meis b'regel. Similarly, if someone passed away on the festival monin li'in ni Kaddish, in regard to Kaddish, the seven-day period is counted from the day of burial, miyom ha'kvura from the day of burial, even though they don't observe the shiva till after the holiday.

11:51
Let me explain what's going on here. If someone is within the seven days of mourning and for like, for example, my, my grandfather, my maternal grandfather, passed away a few days before sukkot. I believe it was a few days before sukkot. So once the festival of sukkot begins, the sh ends, even if the full shiva wasn't observed. Okay, Any holiday, any festival cuts off the observance of the shiva, Even if it was that morning.

12:26
Say, if he passed away Erev Rosh Hashanah, the eve of Rosh Hashanah, he's buried at 12 in the afternoon. The shiva will last 2-3 hours and that's it, the whole shiva, Not 7 days. Why? Because the festival, the holiday, cuts it off. It ends it abruptly. Same thing with Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, I believe, does as well.

12:50
But for Kaddish, the Kaddish continues for the full seven days. It means you recite the Kaddish even within the Shiva, as if it was regular Shiva. You don't sit on the floor, you don't observe the other laws of Shiva, because the holiday cut it off. Now, if someone passed away on the festival, like my grandfather, my paternal grandfather passed away in middle of the holiday of Passover. So the burial is done then during the intermediary days, but the mourning doesn't begin till after the festival. So as soon as the festival is over, the seven days begin, but the Kaddish begins from the burial. Okay, you understand the mourning begins from after the holiday, but the Kaddish begins always from the burial itself and we count seven days from that point. Now, obviously, if someone's sitting Shiva, they'll be saying Kaddish for an entire year. Thativa, they'll be saying Kaddish for an entire year. That is the proper things to say Kaddish for an entire year. But with regard to which one takes precedence over someone else, that we'll see.

14:03
The halach is now going to delineate who has the highest priority. Always the person who is in the shiva in the seven days of mourning always has the highest precedence. They have the highest priority with, regarding to those who are observing the 30 days, or those who are observing the year of mourning, or those who are observing the Yartzeit, the annual commemoration of a Yartzeit. So halacha number three If, in addition to the mourner who is in the shiva, there is also someone present in the synagogue who is observing a yartzeit, an anniversary of the death of a parent. So who takes priority? If the mourner who is in the Shiva week is a minor and he's attending the synagogue throughout the seven days of Shiva, he says the person who's observing the Yartzeit only gets one of the kadash.

15:16
Again, this is with the custom that today is not popular. It's not common that only one person recites the kadash. Today everyone says it in unison, so everyone can say it together. Everyone can recite it together. But in the congregations where the custom is that only one person recites the Kaddish, so the person who has the Yartzeit only gets one Kaddish, we have many Kaddishim over the whole prayer. In the beginning of prayer we have one right after the Karbanot, right after the offerings section, Then we say Mizmur Shir and then another Kaddish, and then we have a Kaddish that the leader of the prayer recites right before Baruch Hu, and then there's one after the Amidah, and then there's one after the Ashrei of Al-Litzion and another one after Aleinu, and then there's another one after Hayom Yom, etc. Etc. There are multiple opportunities for someone to recite Kaddish if they have a yahrzeit. But if there's okay. So that's if there's only one person, but if there's multiples, multiple people that recite Kaddish, as is the custom today in most congregations, so then everyone can recite it together.

16:29
If there are many yahrzeit observers, each one is entitled to recite one Kaddish, Even if the minor who is within the seven days of mourning will be pushed away entirely and will not be able to recite even one Kaddish. If there is someone who is within the 30-day mourner period a mourner who is within the 30 days of bereavement present so what goes on? He's also entitled to one Kaddish who's within the 30 days of bereavement present. So what goes on? Yesh lo gam, kein kadash echad. He's also entitled to one kadash Aval im yesh harbe b'nei shloshim.

17:00
If there are many people who are within the 30 days of mourning, ein hakaton ben shiva nitche ma'chmosan le'gamri, the minor who is in the seven days of mourning does not become completely displaced due to them. Why? Because, in general, a minor doesn't lead part of the service and definitely doesn't recite Kaddish alone. So you have someone who's older who recites the Kaddish with them. Typically, if God forbid, there is a minor who is observing Shiva for a parent, tragically. So then what happens is is that typically, someone will recite it with the minor, so that the minor doesn't recite it alone and so that the congregation can recite it over an adult who is saying it as well.

17:50
ואים הוא גדול שאינו הולך כל שבע לבית הכנסת. However, if he is an adult who may not attend the synagogue during the seven days of mourning, so he's there today, but he may not be there tomorrow for whatever reason, at the synagogue, even if he prayed in a minyan, because, as most people do during the mourning period of the seven days, they typically don't go to synagogue. They typically have the shiva service, the prayer service, in their home, and in such a case maybe he shouldn't take precedence over others. Mikal mokom kishabab b'shabas lebesek neses. Nevertheless, when he attends the synagogue on Shabbos because nobody mourns at home on Shabbos, Lebes HaKnesses. Nevertheless, when he attends the synagogue on Shabbos, because nobody mourns at home on Shabbos, they're supposed to come to the synagogue. Omer Kol HaKadoshim. He should recite, because he's within the Shiva. He should recite all of the Kaddish Ve'im Yesham Yartzeit, and if there's someone who observes, a Yartzeit observer is also in attendance on Shabbos, Omer Gam Cain Kol HaKadashim, the seven-day mourner, is still entitled to recite every Kaddish, except for one which goes to the 30-day Kaddish observer. Yatilu Olov Golorol, and they can cast a lot. Who gets the Kaddish? And when the seven days of mourning are already suspended, they're over ali deregel, either because of a holiday, o shemes aviv biregel.

19:25
Or if the father or the mother died on the festival, azai yesh lodin katon, then the laws that apply to a minor applies to the adult as well. Cave and shiochalele, since he is permitted to attend the synagogue on each day of the festival. So, because he's allowed to attend the synagogue, he's allowed to be in public, so to speak, because some, during the time of morning, we didn't learn the laws of morning yet. But in the laws of morning you're not supposed to. You don't go about your business regularly, right, you don't go around and walk around the community, you sit at home and mourn.

20:01
It's a time of mourning which, by the way, this is not part of the halacha aspect of this, but just so we know. In the world of bereavement, in the world of psychology, where they talk about someone who's gone through a difficult period of life, a period in their life, you find a lot that the way the Torah designates the Shiva mourning period is the healthiest way to overcome loss. It's a time to acknowledge your loss and then it opens up, sort of after seven days you're like, you're ready to face life again. Again, by the way, we said that there's four morning periods. Right, there's the shiva, there's the shloshim, the 30 days, there's the year, and then there's the annual commemoration, the annual on the day of. But it's not exactly accurate. In the shiva there's two different parts. There's the first three days and then the remaining four days. The first three days is the time you can cry and you let it all out. After that it's a time period of less crying.

21:16
Now Allah says, for example, that um, it's better to go after the first three days to the house of the mourner. Why? Because that's time for the mourner to just to. It's like self-therapy. You know they're. They're just like letting out all of their pain, all of their sorrow, all of their breathing. And now you're coming and you're starting to comfort them. It doesn't mean that we don't go the first three days. We do go, but we go as soon as we're able to. But after the first three days there's less crying. It's supposed to be less crying because you already cried it out. It doesn't mean you're not in pain, You're still mourning. It doesn't mean that you're not going to get emotional. Of course you're still emotional, right? It's like I was at a house of a mourner and we were talking about the.

22:04
Sometimes people feel this is an interesting, important halacha. The halacha says that when you co-visit a mourner, you're not supposed to talk, not supposed to say anything. People don't know this and people think like, oh, I have to make my visit known. They should know that, they should remember that I was here. So they say silly things.

22:27
So someone's mother, 97 years old, passes away and they're like so how old was she? She was 97. Oh, yes, she had a good. It's still someone's mother, they're still in pain, it's still. You know, it's like the age doesn't make a difference. On the contrary, you know, when someone loses, you know, God forbid. Someone loses a baby. The relationship is a deep, precious relationship, but it doesn't have that much time. Someone has a mother for 50 years. It's a lot of time, a lot more pain. That now they're separated, now that they're no longer able to hug each other and they're no longer able to, it's a much greater pain. The halacha says that the one who visits a mourner is not supposed to say a word unless the mourner approaches you and asks you. You sit there silently and the mourner talks to you. You can respond then Till then not a word. You're there not for yourself, you're there for the mourner and it's an important thing to remember.

23:37
Sometimes I've seen this and I've heard stories of people saying really silly things because they don't know what to say. So they say whatever comes to their mind, and sometimes it's worse than if they didn't say anything. You know right, so I know that as well. Unfortunately, as many of you know, my daughter lost her baby after two weeks and the things that people say to her to me as well, to my wife is sometimes shocking. Like on what planet are people living on? Don't they realize that what they're saying is just so heartless? They don't intentionally mean to say it. And some people are the exact opposite. They so don't know what to say. They don't say anything. They like make believe you don't exist because they don't know what to say. So it my daughter told me that this. So this is just a little bit of insight for those who may know somebody in such a situation.

24:32
My daughter said that the one person who said the best thing to her it's a friend of hers. They were going this summer. My daughter was in in in New York and she was spending time with one of her friends and when my daughter, this friend came to pick up my daughter and when my daughter got in the car she stopped a second, the friend, and the friend says I just want you to know that I literally don't know what to say, but I love you and I'm here for you and if there's anything that you do want to talk about, I'm here. I'm here to talk about it. But I'm sorry, I just I don't like, I feel your pain. I just don't know what to say. I'm just like, oh, someone gets it, Someone gets it right. Instead, everyone's like oh, you know, like you know the. So you know, like you know the level of things that I remember my sister lost a four-month-old baby and it was tragic. They sat Shiva and the whole thing. And someone came over to me when I came to, I flew to Israel to be with my sister and brother-in-law and someone I met said to me he said I don't mean to. Did they vaccinate the baby? Did they give the baby? Why would someone like, why would someone ask such a thing? It's like they're sitting shiva for their baby. Why would someone ask such a thing? But people don't think. People think they need to. Okay, Halach, Exactly, Everyone's trying to get an understanding of what happened and what transpired and they say they end up saying silly things. Okay, it is what it is. Okay, we are halacha.

26:09
Number four Ben Shiva Katon. A minor who is within the Shiva Uben, Shiva Gado, B'Shabas K'Shabal, HaBבי סכנסס, and an adult who's within the shiva. So a minor and an adult, when they are in the synagogue on Shabbos, שבים בקדשם, are equally entitled to recite the Kaddish ואים יש גם ירצת. And if there's also someone observing a yahrzeit, an annual commemoration of someone's passing, הוא נדחמך מסע גדול. He is commemoration of someone's passing who nitchemachmas ha'gadol, he is displaced. The minor is displaced by the adult mourner who is in the middle of Shiva. Oh sorry, the yardside observer is displaced by the adult mourner, L'chein. Therefore, yesh la'ha'gadol, kadish echad yoseh min ha'katon. The adult who is in the middle of shiva will recite one kaddish more than the minor who is in the middle of shiva. Dehainu hakadish, shuhutzar hakaton loses lahayortzayt, and that is that the minor gives one of his kaddishs to the yortzayt observer.

27:13
Okay, number five Yortzayt v'chein ben shloshim, Yartzeit v'chein ben shloshim. Someone who's a Yartzeit observer, which is again the fourth level of observance, which is the annual commemoration, and someone who's within the shloshim, within the 30 days. So who takes precedence? Kod mim l'shar aveilim sheheim b'soch hashanu. These two take precedence over those who are in the first year of bereavement. However, it is proper to give them a few of the Kaddishes that may be available, and this is why they're instituted.

28:00
The Rabbi's Kaddish and the Kaddish that is after Olenu, which is at the end of the service, Yihala Yartzad, Ola Ben Shloshim should be reserved to those who are observing Yartzad or to those who are within.

28:12
Shloshim Rishara, Kadeshim Rishara, Velem, and the remaining opportunities to recite Kaddish should be left to the other mourners who are within the year. Im yeshnom keminyan ha-kadeshim, if there are as many for the numbers of Kadeshim that there are. So it's just important again. I want to just reiterate that in our congregations today, the majority, the vast majority of synagogues, all the mourners, whether they're the Shiva, the Shloshim, the Yir or the Yartzite, everyone recites Kaddish together.

28:47
So all the laws of precedence don't really apply in the same regard. If you're in a congregation which only has one person, then these laws apply to the who's, that one person who recites the Kaddish. And now the halacha continues about a few of the, a few of the different categories, the 30 days versus the, and this is halacha number six, which we are going to continue, God willing, next week. We're going to now open the floor to our Ask Away segment for any of our delightful participants who want to share their questions with the audience online. So, my dear friends, thank you, have a great week. Thank you for joining us in this episode of the Everyday Judaism podcast. We look forward to resuming next week and hopefully concluding the rest of this chapter.

29:44 - Intro (Announcement)
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